The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
