Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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