mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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