Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
