she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
