I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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