Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
