There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
