i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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