Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
