Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
