Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This is classic penis vs brain.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
