his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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