I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize