So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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