Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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