We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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