For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
