ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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