My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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