Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
