I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
