I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
