My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
