Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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