there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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