If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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