This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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