Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
