I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
