Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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