she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
