you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
