and you said cock pushups were impossible
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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