Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
