Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think I won the penis lottery.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize