she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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