wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize