and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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