she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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