the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
