Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found a bag of teeth...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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