May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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