theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
