In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
