dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
