I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
