Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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