Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
