there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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