____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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