so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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