I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
