Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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