well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
