My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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