I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
