I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
