what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
