Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
