dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
