I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
