I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
