I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
