My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
