A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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