I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
