remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
