Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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