My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
