Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
