dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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