I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
