There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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