my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
