my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I looked at my own cervix.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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